Profiles in Undeath: William Clay Ford, Sr.

William Clay Ford, Sr. was the runner up of the Undead Person of the year for 2008. He is the older brother of Henry Ford II and the father of William Clay Ford, Jr.

He is also the zombified owner of the moribund Detroit Lions, the only NFL team to achieve a perfectly disastrous season of 0 wins and 16 losses in a 16 game season.

Perfection, however takes LOTS of time and a LOT of ineptitude. Fortunately, Mr. Ford has had plentiful supplies of both.

It cannot be stated with any amount of certainty when Mr. Ford became fully undead, but he has become more of a recluse as his NFL franchise has tanked. Mr. Ford appears to be a Zombie of some strength.

Image copyrighted by Getty Images.

Profiles in Undeath: Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, seen here in this image from wikipedia.org with Dmitri Medvedev, his puppet President of Russia, is the current Prime Minister of Russia and the winner of this blog's award for Undead Person of the Year for 2008.

Mr. Putin's status as an undead person is disputed by many, but secret documents available to this author confirm that he underwent the painful procedure that made him undead shortly after assuming the role of President of Russia, just before the famous moment when the U.S. President, George W. Bush fdamously looked into his soul and found a friend. If Mr. Bush had known then what is known now about Mr. Putin, he would have been far more careful about getting so close to Mr. Putin and about making any broad pronouncements about the quality of Mr. Putin's soul.

Mr. Putin is now considered by experts in the field to be a very highly functioing Ghoul (a future post will detail the most common types of undead and their powers and their own special limitations).

As a highly functional Ghoul, Mr. Putin uses his special power to suck the life force of those nearest to him in order to maintain the appearance of life and vitality. Those he touches feel the impact of this power most directly as his hands will be extremely cold to the touch. Most Ghouls do not have the discipline and the extremely strong will that Mr. Putin does, so they are often quickly discovered as they do not restrain themselves from slaying their victims. Mr. Putin, however, appears to be able to drain his victims in such small amounts that they do not even notice the loss of their vitality as they come into contact with him. It is believed, however, that Mr. Putin has a secret cadre of former KGB agents, fellow Ghouls all, who bring him victims in secret who rarely, if ever, survive those encounters. Most recent victims have been captured Georgian soldiers and government agents that were taken in the brief August war between Russia and Georgia.

This blog will continue to provide further information about Mr. Putin and his cadre of undead followers as it becomes available. Our sources indicate that Mr. Medvedev has not yet undergone any undead treatments since he has value as the living figurehead president of Russia.

2008 Undead Person of the Year

(This was originally posted on the main site, www.agentrustybones.blogspot.com on January 3, 2009.)

The winner of this prestigious award is...

Vladimir Putin.

As Prime Minister of Russia, Mr. Putin has been the prime force behind the resurgence of Russia from the ashes of the Soviet Union. In 2008 he orchestrated the election of a figurehead president so that he could retain the real power, he helped to trick Georgia into starting a hot war during the Olympics, which Russia quickly won, and is now in the process of changing the Russian constitution to allow him to return to his preferred role as president.

Not bad for a dead guy, right?

William Clay Ford earned a solid second place with his historic perfect season as the Lion's owner...he's positioning himself for a run for next year since he has promoted two of his executives who fought so hard to achieve perfection this year.

Third place goes to Amy Winehouse.

Congrats to all of this years nominees.

Nominations for 2008 Undead Person of the Year

(This was originally posted on the main site, www.agentrustybones.blogspot.com on December 24, 2008.)

This year, I am going to be taking nominations and votes for an Undead Person of the Year, a selection for which will take place on New Years Eve.

This award will honor the most influencial and/or important undead person of 2008. Because I am the author of this award, I will recuse myself from any consideration for the award.

The winner of this honor wins nothing tangible, just the fame (or infamy) of being named the Undead Person of the Year for 2008. Below are the initial nominees with some remarks about each nominee and why they may qualify for this award this year. Feel free to comment on this post with your votes or with additional nominees. The final list (in Top Ten format) will be posted on New Year's Eve:

1) Dick Cheney: Until tonight it has been a closely guarded secret that Vice President Dick Cheney actually died soon after the 9/11 attacks. Due to concerns over our nation's security being left in the hands of George W. Bush, a decision was made to bring him back to life in the 'undislcosed location' where he had been taken to.

2) Vladimir Putin: Mr. Putin's conversion to undeath is far more recent than Mr. Cheney's. He willingly underwent the conversion to undead form in order to more effectively rule from behind the throne.

3) Fidel Castro: The Dictator for Life of Cuba is known for outliving several US presidents who were waiting for him to die. Now we know why he keeping winning.

4) Osama Bin Laden: President Bush once claimed that he would bring back Osama Bin Laden dead or alive from Afghanistan. The next president will have to accept him either dead or undead. Mr. Bin Laden no longer has to worry about that niggling little kidney condition.

5) Amy Winehouse: Remember all of those headlines about how Amy Winehouse had died, but they were later claimed to be false? Well, they weren't false. But on the positive side, the effects of cocaine and alcohol addiction are far less adverse for an undead person.

6) Michael Jackson: After oodles of plastic surgery, skin bleaching treatments, and years of striving to change his body, Mr. Jackson finally succeeded in taking the ultimate step in self preservation. His next Thriller video will be a documentary.

7) Keith Richards: The ultimate undead rocker. Mr. Richards has found it much easier to keep up with Mick Jagger since he took the plunge into undeath.

8) Paul McCartney: Paul McCartney really did die in 1967. He was simply the first of several famous musicians to discover that life after death can be pretty damn good. It is, however, no guarantee of marital bliss.

9) Hugh Hefner: Ever wonder how Hugh Hefner can continually satisfy so many gorgeous young women, even as he supposedly ages? Let's just say that Hugh doesn't need any little blue pills to keep it up.

10) William Clay Ford: Only a zombie could sit through a historically winless NFL season and not be so enraged as to want to fire everyone associated with his team.

So these are my initial nominations. If any others come light in the coming week, I'll post them in comments as well. Good luck to all of our nominees, I just know that they are waiting with fetid breath the outcome of this award selection process.